When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
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The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
I find as I get older it’s the little things that bring me joy. Like embarrassing my children.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.