Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?

I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.

“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.

Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.

GF: “Can I be frank?”

Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”

Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?

GF: What?

M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.

GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.

The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?

I already tried new things thanks.

According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame

A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.

Waiter: And how did you find the wine?

Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table

Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal

Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?

Me: We were robbed.

Husband: They only took the cookies?

Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?

“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.

We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.

[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?

JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody

ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-

JOHN LENNON: not just anybody

ME: damn wow okay

I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.

Ways to look busy:

1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed

*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?

Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.

I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane

Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.

Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.

I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣

The song “I’ll Make a Man Out of You” from Mulan just hits different when Dr. Frankenstein sings it.

Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”

My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder

So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now

Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.

there was another, tinier cement truck inside

[ 35 years later ]
*sits bolt upright*
OMG SHE WAS FLIRTING WITH ME !