When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
You Might Also Like
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine