Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Start every phone call with “My battery is at 5%” so you can hang up whenever you want.

these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some

doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark

me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right

doctor: you no longer have legs

me: just like a shark

Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords

Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.

I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.

…No, YOU shut up.

Karen: Are we ok?

Me: [removes earbud] Yes.

Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”

YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.

Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…

It’s basically shitty Christmas.

I’ve started taking a brisk walk straight after dinner and it’s saving me an absolute fortune on restaurant bills.

Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.

Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.

It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.

When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.

[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs

[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me

I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.

[Job Interview]

Boss: What is your best trait?

Me: Procrastination.

B: How is that a positive?

M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.

I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂

Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems

WHEN CATS ARE SAD

Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.

me: hit me, daddy

poker dealer: don’t call me that

What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?

Payday

A woman at the grocery store, who upon seeing my daughter’s blue eyes asked where she got them from, looked at both me and my husband, and then actually said out loud “did the milk man visit your mom?” What the actual fuck lady.

So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options

Me: I hate drama.

Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.

Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids

At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.

T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?

TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?

RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING

Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that

Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.

Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…

Kids: *fighting*

Me: TWO…

Kids: *still fighting*

Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF

Kids: *brawling at this point*

Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three