Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.

witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven

me: mean witch! but cunning

gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven

me: the chess game continues. Genius

witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate

me: oh

*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*

Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]

*catches keys in my mouth*

Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.

I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.

Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?

Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school

one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason

[my kids walk in on me being murdered]

ME: call 911

KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?

If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.

When your child makes a full inventory of their Halloween take so they can tell if they are being robbed by a family member.

Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.

20 minutes: I have plenty of time

15 minutes: OH SHIT

Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.

You find my yoga pants distracting…

…would you like me to take them off?

maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]

Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?

Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.

I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious

I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.

ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.

If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.

The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything

Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?

Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?

I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.

About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.

if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks

In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.

In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.

If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?

Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.