When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
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Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
#MeanwhileInCanada
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.