when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
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Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
this job on linkedin didn’t even ask for a resume, it was just like do you have a website? what about an email? And then,
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.