when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
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I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
no one likes gloating
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
won’t smith
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
9yo: have you heard the song “I like big butts and I cannot lie”?
me: yes, but that song is inappropriate.
9yo: oh… so I should lie?
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
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