when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
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He was looking for a job and then he found a job
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
Guantanamo Bae
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
Come closer…..and let me just rest this pillow on your face.
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
I’m not wrong
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
