when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
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Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
trying to be cute today but my face isn’t cooperating
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
I can’t stop watching this.
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.