when my brother was at the height of his teenage boy gym phase he used to get a rotisserie chicken and sit out the front of the house sharing it with like 4 different cats and the neighbours dog. was actually very beautiful
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Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
Me: *wearing a short-sleeved button down with mixed flowers and skulls*
Super old lady at the pharmacy: “You know it’s a SIN to make me covet my neighbor’s blouse!”
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.