when my brother was at the height of his teenage boy gym phase he used to get a rotisserie chicken and sit out the front of the house sharing it with like 4 different cats and the neighbours dog. was actually very beautiful
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Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
My daughter wanted this triple chocolate cake and waitress warned me 4 times there was a little chocolate liquer in the icing and she was 12 and I finally said, “It is fine, she isnt driving”
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
i went on a date with a guy who seemed normal over text but once we got a table and sat down he peppered the entire conversation with loud wwe impersonations and then mansplained wrestlemania until we paid the bill and i dipped tf out of there
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
we’ve been teaching the 2 yr old about cutlery and setting the table for supper and, well,
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
My grandparents have been married for 62 years. When I asked them what was their secret to such a long marriage, my grandmother said God is punishing her
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to