Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream

me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*

If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.

God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?

Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.

chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?

[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…

Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*

Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*

When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…

One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020

Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps

The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”

me: whoa you think I’m buff?

them: no, we said buffoon

Me: hey babe I got you something!

Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.

Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.

nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence

[1999]

“y2k” making us anxious

[2019]

“k” making us anxious

Every photo I’m tagged in

Bread puns are on the rise!

12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.

Just got a call from the vet to schedule my dog for her shots. I asked for an estimate and they transferred me over to their lending department.

Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?

Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way

With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster

jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs

peter: w-what

jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now

john: are you ok

peter: jesus you seem a little… off

jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year

My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔

Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket

It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?

Gift wrap? Why not!

Much like lasagna, I’m just held together by cheese at this point

Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.

I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen

While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.

doc: so how are you feeling

me: awful

doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood