Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
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Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
Please do not power off or unplug your machine. Installing update 45 of 9484727192873828277362517293847265127826262827262726273633833727…
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
iPhone 6: For people who don’t mind holding an iPad up to their ear.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
3. _tra large portion of fries
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
If a spider attacks you, you should play dead. No, wait… that’s for a bear. If a spider attacks a bear, you should play dead.