When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
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i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
unbelievably distressed by this ad