When my cat gets in trouble I call him by his full name, Catthew.
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Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
Doordasher handed me my food and said, enjoy the meal..
I said, you too..
I’ve been following this strict diet all week & so far all I’ve lost is my patience
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
Judge: You were arrested for stealing a can of peaches. How many peaches were in the can?
Wife: Six, Your Honor.
Judge: In that case, you will go to jail for six days, one for each peach.
Husband: She also stole a can of peas!
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.