When my cat gets in trouble I call him by his full name, Catthew.
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If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
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ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
is frankincense just very honest incense?
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
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I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.