Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”

And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.

Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?

Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.

Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-

Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls

Cop: is that… is that less weird?

My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.

bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring

jeweler: how many karats

bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much

Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?

Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!

If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.

Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?

Me: I don’t even think about work at work.

$20k in my bank account (the k is silent)

[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?

[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?

Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?

My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.

“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”

-soon to be disappointed praying mantis

I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.

Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.

Therapist: why’s that?

Me: I got a dog.

Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬

Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose

[first date]

Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.

Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?

Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME

Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.

I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg

On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.

Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…

and standing outside your door…

and playing the harmonica.

Ominous sub-editing fail of the day

WAITER: Ready to order?

GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!

W: We cannot

GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH

W: Again no

Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.

I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.

Time for a new house.

One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.

I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit

Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else

Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it

I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.