When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
You Might Also Like
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
*looks at recipe prep time: 10 minutes*
*two hours later*
Me: LIAR!
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
AHHH!!! Don’t look at our website with a website browser!! We’ll DIE ! Use our app!!!!!! click this!!
[button that does not open the app, redirects to the app store]
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.