When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
You Might Also Like
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
Got kicked out of the pool for practicing synchronized swimming because my partner apparently “had no idea who I was or what I was doing.”
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
Watching the lawn mowing guy on YouTube. Always pushing the products. He’s actually got this stupid t-shirt that says “I’m sexy and I mow it.”
Mine should be here in a few days.
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
18: Who’s saved in your phone as No?
Me: Like 10 different people, let’s just work on minding our own business.
mariah carrie
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
umm…
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online