Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.

Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?

In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏

5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!

me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket

Turn off autocorrect?

Challinje aceptid.

i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”

It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.

my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.

we don’t have a dog.

Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.

*sees baby*

*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*

*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*

*sadness evaporates*

Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.

“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015

Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.

barista: room for cream?

me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator

barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers

america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’

I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.

Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.

My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.

This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”

‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’

– Our sodding cat

Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.

if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out

Raise your hand if you’ve ever tried to breathe quieter while walking up a hill so strangers didn’t call 911 to put you on life support

8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur

When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.

Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted

Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!

[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!

All these gifts today better get me laid.

Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.

triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.