Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”

Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit

i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.

I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.

I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’

The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day

*date night*

Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!

Me: …omelettes 🙁

BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.

People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.

Becoming a dad turned me into an environmentalist. All I do now is turn off lights and yell at people who waste energy.

[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis

I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly

Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?

Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend

Me: That’s a raccoon

Son:

Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you

When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.

I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.

Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink

3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider

life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder

I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.

Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.

[Dinner Party]

ME: I’d like to raise a glass…

{years later…}

ME: Son, you’re adopted

GLASS: WHAT?!!

My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu

If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.

Them: Question everything.

Me: Why?

how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840

opening twitter today

MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said

Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?

4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.

[Me at job interview]

And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?