When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
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I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
Happy Caturday!
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
Cats (2019)
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
We’ve come full circle
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.