@KevinBuffalo

When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.

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@DoubtTommy

Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.

@Marlebean

“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”

– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall

@spunkyturnip

Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy

@IamEnidColeslaw

at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed

@Darlainky

Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.

@markydoodoo

Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.

@DurtMcHurtt

“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.

@kiel_phillips

DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch

@PeachesMcPeach

I’m at my sexiest when I’m at a stoplight and a teenage boy is checking me out then suddenly realizes his horrific mistake.