When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
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Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
Sorry I’m a week late. Had to scroll back to my birth year.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
When I google how to fix something on my car, I don’t want a fucking ‘AI summary’ I want a 57-year-old guy who still looks painfully uncomfortable on camera after making 3,000 auto repair videos
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
I put my pants on like everyone else.
with hope they still fit.
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that