When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
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PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
thanksgiving in nutshell
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
9 circles of hell in this economy?
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.