When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
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You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
I am thick and tired. 🙄
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
I believe the plural is “milves.”
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?