When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
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Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
Just found some of Moo Deng’s old tweets and woof it’s not looking good
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
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4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.