when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
Ah, 50s…you just keep on giving.
Thanks for your email! Unfortunately, I have filled my pockets with stones and am making my way to the sea.
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
