when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
I get so annoyed when horror movies begin with the family moving to a new house, and the parents say “This place will be good for us. We will finally be happy here.”
But you already know they’re not going to be happy, because the movie is called “The Ghost That Ate Grandma”.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
‘m developing a new fragrance for introverts
It’s called “Leave me the fuh cologne”
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
don’t be scared
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
