When my daughter gets angry at her siblings she tells them to go swallow an anvil and although it’s confusing I’m giving her props for creativity.
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If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
the lamestream media wants you to call them “pigeons”. but CRIME BIRDS are terrorizing our cities: stealing wifi, causing sunspots, downloading cars
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
Maybe we should all just live our lives in a way that won’t piss off Kendrick Lamar