When my daughter gets angry at her siblings she tells them to go swallow an anvil and although it’s confusing I’m giving her props for creativity.
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6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
Adds what I’m about to eat to my grocery list
takes a bite
Removes it from my grocery list
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
Secret admirer got a raise! Finally, decent chocolates.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
Someone filmed bats upside down and it looks like a goth nightclub
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.