When my daughter gets angry at her siblings she tells them to go swallow an anvil and although it’s confusing I’m giving her props for creativity.
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A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
me when i smell free food in the break room
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
Getting really mad at my friend because:
1. They don’t know about road trip stew.
2. They won’t let me plug my crockpot into the cig lighter and teach them.
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.