Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life

Dog: that is correct

Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.

Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.

Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*

Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine

Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why

i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective

And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories

If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.

Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected

Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.

Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?

Me: She’s my current wife.

Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.

Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.

I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.

News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.

Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.

If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.

You can start billing people for psychic readings.

How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?

My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?

My biological clock is wheezing.

wife: I’m having a baby.

me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.

I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?

sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet

If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake

I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.

I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.

I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.

If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.

🥶🥶🐶🐶

I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado

I’m sorry…

…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.

trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter