When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
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Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
Bold of you to assume I have the energy to even climb a hill to die on.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
Men: Masters of multitasking – can watch sports, ignore laundry, and forget your birthday, all at once.
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
2022: I can fix it
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
brother-in-law: guess how many miles I cycled today?
my 10yo: I don’t know, 4000?
him: no, 100.
10: oh, well hang in there and keep practicing!
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
Got him!
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford