Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy

My bologna has a first name.
-Oscar Meyer

All of my food has a first name.
– Jeffrey Dahmer

Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?

Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.

Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat

95% of dentists recommend teeth.

*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*

Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?

*1st dinner date*

Me: waiter, can I get the bill-

Her: I love sophisticated guys

Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?

[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are

amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming

I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.

So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.

You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.

They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.

a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt

I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.

💁🏻‍♂️

“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”

My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”

Coronavirus: LOL.

my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing

Those are good neighbors.

Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green. 

Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.

*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board

Women drinking coffee.

My three favorite things.

Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.

When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…

You’re probably into some shady shit!

I was a stay at home kid for the first 12 years of my life. I don’t think I’ll ever financially recover from it

My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over

My husband not so much so

Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments

Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.

First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never