When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
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Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
Yes, we have some library patrons who are disinclined to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons, but don’t worry, they’re counterbalanced by the patrons who prefer to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons.
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.