when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
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Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
Cashier: Would you like a receipt?
Me: Absolutely. This was the best Pop Tarts buying experience of my life & it’s going into my scrapbook!
i wish all
whales
a very
big
Have kids so you can fully appreciate how well your dogs listen.
Dogs don’t think ‘no’ is a suggestion.
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
I could murder a cheese sandwich. I’m not hungry. I just think I’d be capable of that.
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
This headline is a thing of beauty
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
Saturday
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
Nobody victim blames more than my seven-year-old when he’s in trouble for punching his little brother
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen