when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
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Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
I’ve been drinking.
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
Would it be possible to visit this cool ranch where the Doritos are being packaged? I just want to make sure they’re being treated well
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
Me: God, please stop giving me your toughest battles
God: you literally just have to empty the dishwasher
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight