When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
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biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
Breath mints make me sneeze. No, I don’t need that one back. I have others. Sorry about your eye.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
i don’t get to travel very often but every time i do i really get to thinking: did anthony bourdain just have diarrhea for like 9 months of the year
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
[me, a people pleaser]: “no doctor that’s okay, whatever type of blood you have is fine”
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
Don’t compare yourself with others. Everyone is better than you.
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.