drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
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6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
WTF IS THAT!
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Hotels are back
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
Is this you?