@jazmasta

When my doctor first diagnosed me with overly inquisitive syndrome I had a lot of questions.

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@SoulYodeler

It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5

@Brampersandon_

COWORKER: u got like 8 hickeys. Mustve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild

@GroovyTasia

Me: Pikachu, I choose you!

Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet

@MoistPork

My only fitness goal is to be able to lift an adult male, approximately the size of my husband, into the trunk of my car without help.

@ObscureGent

[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]

Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.

@WritePlay

*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK

*later, flinging holy water*

ME: GET OUT GHOSTS

@Paige__xxx

Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.

Coincidence?

@winosaurusmom

After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.