“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
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Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
choose your gary
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
#milo
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice