When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
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Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
These dogs look like they have good credit.
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
Friend: What’s the consequence for bigamy? Me: You have to visit TWO sets of inlaws over the holidays
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
not for long
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*