When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
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People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
Toasters aren’t governed by that little dial.
They have free will.
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth