When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
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I’m calling the cops.
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.