When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
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I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
would be a terrible security guard. too easily bribed. I’d be out there saying “and these potato chips you offer, are they flavoured?”
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*