When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
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CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
The most unbelievable thing on TV is when a killer is in the house and someone hides in empty space under the bed. You mean to tell me you’re not keeping 6 storage bins, three rolls of Christmas wrapping paper, and a box of old papers under there
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
this job on linkedin didn’t even ask for a resume, it was just like do you have a website? what about an email? And then,
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
I’m so lazy I let my battles pick me
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.