Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary number

Daughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license

I failed at chemistry in high school…

And finally started dating in college.

Mine in this week’s New Yorker

Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?

My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”

promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up

Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog

Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.

CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?

CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..

CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that

Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years

I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!

GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish

WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!

If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.

These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.

My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.

me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock

When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog

Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now

[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now

In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.

If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK

All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.

Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.

I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.

Body: ok sleepy time.

Brain: ok thinky time.

Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.

Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.