Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.

If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.

Today a kindergartener asked me if he could ask me a question and I said “sure” and then he did a somersault.

Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather

Me:

Her:

Me: you study whether what?

My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.

Them: Do you know who you look like?

Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.

If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.

me: i’m not afraid of death

[2 mins later : stubs toe]

also me: OMG I’M DYING

Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.

*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.

[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.

“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.

If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.

nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper

*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*

I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.

My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too cold

Under my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect

Next time someone slides into your dm asking for a pic send a pic of your bills
follow me for more tips

Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.

Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?

Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.

The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have

before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁

One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.

You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.

[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”

Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers

My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.

*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby