when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
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[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
My birthstone is kidney
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
Jupiter
