When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
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[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
How dramatic are you?
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
It’s World Chocolate Day, and the latest research into human longevity shows that eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine can significantly increase your chances of enjoying yourself while you’re still here
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Him: Uh… you were gone for a while.
Her: I had to reorganize your kitchen before we got intimate.
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹