When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
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I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
My support group can outdrink your support group.
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
I already tried new things thanks.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
next level snooze
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.