Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity

him: how

me: with his mouth

@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.

Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”

Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really

I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.

Husband: …

PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now

I was eating sour haribo sweets at the movies one time and I rubbed my eyes and my mates have teased me for years about “crying” over a fucking Avengers movie

Home Alone 2 is crazy because how the hell do you lose your kid twice

Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itself

Cons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.

so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face

What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space

Shaking random people on the street shouting ARE YOU THE SHY SISTER is the 2024 cinderella

[Speed dating]

HER: I’m really into astronomy

ME: the moon follows me when I drive

me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand

I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited

a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine

Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*

I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…

But all they sent me was her underwear.

Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.

Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.

[special ops briefing]

Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out

Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound

*runs away*

Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.

Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.

The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.

an airline just for babies.

Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help

4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or

i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.