Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.

The most unbelievable thing on TV is when a killer is in the house and someone hides in empty space under the bed. You mean to tell me you’re not keeping 6 storage bins, three rolls of Christmas wrapping paper, and a box of old papers under there

[first day as a 911 operator]

guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!

me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh

Date: wanna get out of here?

Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti

Feeling invisible and unnoticed?

Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.

what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off

If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…

The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.

I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.

[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.

Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?

*meanwhile across town*

Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.

Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?

Because it requires two i’s.

[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.

[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.

[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.

[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this

*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”

ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm

An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.

What are some weird things about living in the modern world?

I’m a regular customer of a restaurant that I’ve never been to.

Who called it Alcatraz and not Jailhouse Rock

Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy

New modem

5yo: What is that?

Me: an alien detector

5: It has a glowing green light.

Me: means it found one.

5: It’s pointing right at you

Me *evil grin* I know

My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.

Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”

Darth Vader: Luke

Luke: ya

Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father

Luke: um ok

Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan

Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO

If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.

I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth

the ability to go around and chit chat with anyone at work is a skill, i’m considered to be a local yap star

Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.

8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.

[High School Reunion]

Me: Those were the days, right?

Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.

I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.

Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?

Me:

You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.