When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
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[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.