When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
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[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
Don’t we all.
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
Botany good plants lately?
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.