When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
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The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
Whoever ordered a white Christmas and had it shipped via FedEx, it’s finally out for delivery.
I would probably have too much fun as a mortician asking customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking” as opposed to “Cremation” or “Burial”.
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
Nobody:
Shampoo bottle when I’m in the shower:
ME (calling my horse with no name):
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper