When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
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Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
😭😭
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
getting real sick and tired of my therapist knowing what tf he’s talking about when it comes to me and my issues.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*