When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
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i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
Love that every time I finish a snack I have to wave my hands around to prove to my dog it’s all gone like I’m cashing him out at a casino or something
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
Eggs benadryl my favourite
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands while I’m holding up a convenience store.
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass