when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
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Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
*puts words between two asterisks*
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
*furtive glance to make sure no one is listening* I keep my friends close and my enemies as far away as possible but don’t tell people that, we got a good thing going with the other thing
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
At urgent care with my 8yo
Nurse: is she allergic to anything?
8yo (child of a lawyer): We don’t know because I haven’t tried everything.😆
(May have a sprained or broken foot 🤪)
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy