when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
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an octopus is just a wet spider
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
Ferrari squats
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
The job market has never been worse and LinkedIn still thinks it’s smart to send notifications like “you got a message! It’s an ad btw!” If this website existed in the physical realm I would hit it with my car
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
[struggling to get out of a hammock] come here and say that