Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”

The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.

Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese

So sick of all these stupid rules

Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat

Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.

Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*

Husband: *cries*

“Can I get a umm…”

-every person ever at the drive thru

It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.

Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?

Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.

Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies

I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.

Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:

I’m mad and sad and doing very bad

What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.

Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.

Draw me like one of your French Fries.

I believe it was the great and ancient philosophers who once foretold a most wise and accurate existential statement that transcends all time and space: I fuck around, therefore I find out.

Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.

Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L

*first day as a detective*

Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body

Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead

which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.

Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all

How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”

[first date]

Me: so what do you do

Her: I’m a stay at home mom

Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house

I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.

Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time

Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine

Judge: Still guilty.

ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.

AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.

ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.

Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it