When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
You Might Also Like
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
Cat is stressing him out.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
I got a new washing machine that plays a little song when it’s done instead of buzzing and I just found out. So I’d been running outside for an ice-cream truck that doesn’t exist for like, 2 months.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”