When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
wait.
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
Once I shot a man with a paintball gun, just to watch him dye.
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
When you’re tweeting something ridiculous that’s happened in the American election, please clearly mark whether it’s real or a joke.
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
calling in to work dehydrated
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
