@anashedidnt

When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.

In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.

Lesson learned. No donuts next time.

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@AmishPornStar1

The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.

@FattMernandez

You guys ever smear fake blood on your mouth, put on a ripped shirt, go in somewhere and pretend you got mugged? PEOPLE ARE SO NICE!

@LoriLuvsShoes

Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m pretty?
Cop: No
Me: Because I’m on Twitter?
Cop: No
Me: Officer I can do this all day

@Brianhopecomedy

I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.

@hythemafia

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….

@Sassafrantz

A bride just said “today I’m marrying my best friend” it’s like hey great choice, because marrying your mortal enemy seems risky & dangerous

@ArfMeasures

ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today

ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE

ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you

@dugglebutt

*cactus hasn’t died in a year*

*adds botanist to resumé*

@RackOfSteel

Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69