When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.

In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.

Lesson learned. No donuts next time.

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The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.


You guys ever smear fake blood on your mouth, put on a ripped shirt, go in somewhere and pretend you got mugged? PEOPLE ARE SO NICE!


Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m pretty?
Cop: No
Me: Because I’m on Twitter?
Cop: No
Me: Officer I can do this all day


I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.


Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….


A bride just said “today I’m marrying my best friend” it’s like hey great choice, because marrying your mortal enemy seems risky & dangerous


ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today


ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you


*cactus hasn’t died in a year*

*adds botanist to resumé*


Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69