When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
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If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
I feel like the “how to” book of my life was written in braille…and that shortly after I became an adult, someone clipped off my fingertips with pruning shears.
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
Seems kinda suspicious
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
Chatting to an old couple there going to Majorca. He was so upset. Said he wished he’d brought his piano with him. I explained that it wouldn’t go in the hold and that he’d be back soon enough. He said he understood that, but he’d left their tickets and passports on it.
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him