Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.

Me: want a grilled cheese?

6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.

Me: you got it.

When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.

I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.

This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live

I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.

Them: Who hurt you?

Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile

there are people who know when to reply all and when not to reply all and none of them work at your company

Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.

Close call…

The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.

Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.

Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.

Police charged me with postmeditated murder because I meditated first.

Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”

Mom can you come get me?

I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy

[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up

I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.

Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this

All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.

-lies parents tell themselves

My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win

My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.

DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*

Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”

Whenever I get up my cat gets up too and then yells at me like it’s my fault she decided we have to do this together

Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.

My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.

If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.

*winks with both eyes*

[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs

[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me

*Receives good, solid, sound advice.

*Does exact opposite.