When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
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hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
The most refreshing way to fight your personal demons is to make demonade.
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??