Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.

At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.

“WHAT DO WE WANT?”

i havent decided yet

“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”

i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter

Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.

Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”

Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”

My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.

My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!

My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.

The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.

DO YOU MEAN YOUR FRIEND GROUP?????

One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.

Or I need new glasses. Again.

Flock of geese

Murder of crows

Mistake of beers

[the inventor of corn chips]

What if knives were delicious?

[God creating humans]

God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc

Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?

God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol

They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.

Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.

My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.

Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?

Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.

my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]

me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT

Me: Head shoulders knees & toes

Doctor: ok no problem

Me: eyes ears mouth & nose

Doctor: that’s a different guy

All I want for Christmas is my gross pay

If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.

Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears

“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”

9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.

Me:

9yo:

Me: Can I go back to sleep now?

My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??

ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok

[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?

I drew y’all a little something.