When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
You Might Also Like
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.