When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
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If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
There’s nothing like new glasses to make you realize you should get new glasses more often than every five years. Like, ah yes, trees have leaves. Birds. I’d forgotten all about them.
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
Sorry. Not sorry
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
son: will you come do flips with me on the trampoline?
me: you know I make a sound when I get off the couch, right?
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”