When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
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HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’