Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.

[first day as a billionaire]

Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero

I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office

I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.

[the purge alarm blares in the distance]

ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*

“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”

Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one

“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”

Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”

Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?

Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.

ㅤ

Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL

Snake: *bites me*

Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.

You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?

I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.

“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.

I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.

fish:

eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you

If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘sarcasm’

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Ooooo I would love to

orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang

I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.

Time for a new house.

I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.

People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.

date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex

[later]

me: *yelling* avada kedavra

everyone has that one prude friend

I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.

Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭

Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”